cross-posted. this started as a myspace bulletin.

This morning, I get to work, with my usual breakfast consisting of….one chai tea, and sat down to start my day in the office. Realizing that I was still hungry, I decided to run to BK before my 11 o’clock conference call.

Ten minutes later, I’m sitting here with an empty stomach still, and this is why : the fucking double croissan’wich that I ordered was this vile oily fleshy lump that I only got a glimpse of before lobbing it into the trash. I could smell something vile as I unwrapped it, but I just assumed the cheese was of the stinky cheap sort.

Once I had the outer wrapping off, I was presented with : an inner wrapping. What is this?? Upon examining the still-wrapped sandwich for the seam of the paper, so that I might peel away, I noticed what seemed like DEEP finger ‘dents’, as if the sandwich was man-handled quite a bit – maybe they thought they were packing up a meat ball. As I tried to unwrap it, I realized the awful truth: the sandwich had just been microwaved (probably re-microwaved) with the wrapper on. If I had been fool enough to unwrap the whole thing, half of the sandwich would have been stuck to the wrapper, and the vicious scent that would have permeated my office would make me swear off of croissants, eggs, all forms of meat, eating in general, or any other carnal pleasure, for the rest of my short, tainted, and tortured life. The sounds of my screams would be enough to wilt the womb of a young mother, or the mind of a fresh, eager young scholar. It is of my professional opinion that mankind wasn’t meant to know such a primal terror as the festering, dripping, meaty lump that rots away in the dark, forgotten recesses of the trash bin next to my desk. Some breakfasts are better off not being eaten, especially by us simple hungry morning-folk of the office….I’d rather starve than have a meal possessing such an unnatural odor and appearance confront my visage ever again.

The shit was vile. Fuck BK on linton and federal.

So, Orlando was great. I’ll write about one thing we did, quickly – otherwise this entry would be pretty small.

We went to Wet N’ Wild! On the way to Orlando, it stormed pretty heavily, so Disney closed all of their waterparks. By the time we got there, it was as hot and sunny as these demonic Florida summers get. I think our original plan was to go to Blizzard Beach or something like that, which is owned by Disney — so we were out of luck. We weren’t the only ones to get turned away; two tour busses full of people arrived soon after us, as well as – and more ironically – a truck with the words JUST MARRIED tattooed all over it. Haha for them.

After some ponderous deliberation, during which I met a new friend as well as snapped the above pic, we decided to go to Wet N’ Wild. Let me tell you one thing about Wet N’ Wild, and maybe a few others after that.

Ok, nevermind…I am going to tell you at least two things about Wet N’ Wild. Thing #1: they have a bar. Thing #2: they have a ride called DISCO H2O. I don’t need to explain to you how a bar works, so let’s move onto DISCO H2O….It’s one of the more ‘grown-up’ rides at the park, and there’s plenty of warning signs saying that you have to have your wits about you, some semblance of balance, a couple of balls, and be taller than this line: ——— . After the long walk up the tower to where the ride started, we divided our party up into threes, since the raft only holds four max. There was a raft full of “dude, bro”s in front of us, and as they were about to go, they began chanting what I can only assume is some sort of guttural frat-chant. It was really funny to hear that chant dissolve into high-pitched squeals as they were dropped into the tube.

Then it was our turn. This is how it went:
you’re in a raft. Once the timer above you goes down to zero, the lifeguard guy pushes you into the tube, where you fall and curve around the tube and get splashed for a bit. This goes on until you are disoriented enough and then you may realize that you are in a sort of ‘room’ so you rub the water out of your eyes and look around. There’s weird lights, loud disco music, and water jets splashing you. After the “ahhh!” wears off from before, you just kinda feel …hm. The “ahh!” fades to “huh?” pretty quickly. I’m not really explaining this well but just try to imagine being in a raft, soaking wet, spinning around a weird room with water jets, lights, and generic disco music blaring. And you’re circling around the drain in the middle, at which point the ride shits you out. Somehow, I felt like an uneven exchange had happened between us and DISCO H2O. I kinda felt like DISCO H2O sprawled out naked after we left, and lit a cigarette. We got ours first, sure – but don’t forget we had paid $35 apiece to get in there, and then DISCO H2O got it’s…whatever. And we definitely came first. The whole “ahh! I’m getting sprayed and falling and twisting around!” was over before we knew it, and then we were in that weird room where DISCO H20 had it’s filthy fucking way with us. And we were just … staring at the ceiling by that point. And then it spat us into a wading pool, into the bright sunlight, and we ran out and never looked back.

Sorry, only one pic from that time, too wet/drunk to take more pics.

The night before Orlando, I met up with some friends at this bar called Elwood’s which was actually once a gas station. My friend’s band, the audio conspiracy was playing. I snapped some pics:

While on a break, they asked me about the colorsplash and if I would mind taking a few more pics of them, but not on stage.
“Haha, sure…we gotta get some of you guys in front of a chain link fence, or a brick wall, since -y’know-” SINCE EVERY BAND DOES THAT
“oh, uh…we actually just did that a few weeks ago…” thus reinforcing my joke..

Luckily we were right next to railroad tracks. no. not like that. whatever you were thinking.
I saw the safety lights go on, and the rails came down, so I suggested we take some in front of the moving train.

And when Patrick whipped out that fireball, I got scared and went home. haha

p.s. if you needed another reason to follow my suggestion in the title of this post, I have one to give to you:

so go watch it. How many black eyes will it take before you start listening to me?

I’m doing this more to just update my blog in a timely fashion more than anything else, but here’s a super early demo of a song I am working on. I pretty much just made it to demonstrate something to a friend but I think it’ll turn out nice!

little people (early demo) (2.6mb)

I always feel weird going to the toy store and heading straight for the “age 3 and under” section. I feel weird again, when I pay $8 for a talking tele-tubby toy at checkout. But deep inside, I am screaming “yes!” because it was a cheap score for circuitbending. The only problem is that once I’ve gotten these toys to make such cool sounds, I usually break them while trying to make the hack permanent. Oh well. At some point I’ll have the forethought to get a sound sample before I break these things.

Speaking of that, I got my recording card back. Everyone cross your fingers in hoping that it somehow works now.

For cinco de mayo, I attended a graduation party, then we bought some beer and decided to work on our bikes and also check out this abandoned place. It’s a water treatment facility, completely abandoned. However, it must have been abandoned recently, because … well, it still gets power.

As silly as this sounds, but it’s about ten times as scary infiltrating an abandoned place that has LIGHTS ON INSIDE. Instead of thinking you might run into a squatter or a bum or someone who has no authority to call the police or detain you, you begin to think you’ll see someone who knows you really aren’t supposed to be there.

Anyhow, I don’t mind saying that I was too scared to get many good pics from this. I hadn’t had enough sam adams to give me the courage necessary to go wild in a new location. From some of these blurry pics, you can tell that I was also too scared to use my colorsplash outside (as it’s like a damn flare in attention-attracting power).

Also, these interior pics don’t look too frightening; there’s too much uniform light from the overhead fluorescents. The whole place, on the inside, is lit up like an office. It makes for some pretty boring pics. Maybe when I go back, I’ll flick off all the lights, or half of them. Or bring my own light sources.

Swinton Ave. represent! What am I talking about? I dunno, aside from the fact that I probably was living near there when this sign was removed and locked up — during the last hurricane season. But, why keep a street sign hostage? There was also a ‘one way’ sign just as I entered the scary part of the facility but it was such a kitschy looking thing I decided not to photograph it.

for cinco de mayo. shut up, just shut up. i took some good pics tonight but it’s a suprise. so!

there once was a fellow named mort
who at the carnival fell inches too short
for all the good rides
he sat by the side
and cursed those foul clowns with a snort

there once was a clown ninja pirate
who set sail for china by twilight
with red nose on
he went to the john
but his wang was in camo – couldn’t find it

he said ‘take this job and shove it’
but later invented the muppets
his hands were all furry
he left in a hurry
as kermit says: “you can go fuck it”

if you don’t grab your life by the horns
it’ll rear and thow you into the thorns
if you like my analogies
say “may i have another, please?”
if you don’t, then shower me with scorn

there once was a man with two fists
whose sister was frequently kissed
and when she went down
he’d do more than frown
ah, fuck it, you get the gist

there once was a dog with some flippers
a favorite pet of the skipper
aboard his fine ship
your fingers might slip
but a dog with some flippers is quicker!

i started the day with a bang
an improbable load on my wang
with oodles of pride
i swatted her aside
and proceeded to combat hunger pangs

there once was a kid with 12 fingers
and a vomitous bouquet that lingers
mum scrubbed him with soap
and dangled a rope
which was promptly yanked by right-wingers

Ok, ok, ok. I’m drunk! And I am trying to do a special cinco de mayo feature! So just SHOOOSH. It’s SO BAD it’s FUNNY! Like that movie ‘the room’.